Overcoming Your Inner Influencers with KPop Demon Hunters
Like probably every parent in the past few months, over the weekend I got roped into watching “KPop Demon Hunters” with my kid. And yes, I do wake up with “How It’s Done” in my head. But mostly I’m finding that I can’t stop thinking about the demons, and the idea that our souls get captured by the demon world by believing the worst voice inside our head. In the movie, Gwi-Ma—the ruler of the demon world—speaks people’s worst fears and beliefs about themselves and others directly into their heads, thus capturing their souls (through boy band music).
As I watched, I couldn’t stop thinking about what we talk about constantly at Elevate Labs: that our own internal monologues and voices are our own worst enemy, getting in the way of our success and happiness. But I was stopped in my tracks by this comment from Gwi-Ma, inside Zoey’s head:
“You’re too much. And not enough. You’ll never belong anywhere.”
As humans, all we want is to belong—to be a part of the group, to matter.
But these voices get in our way. These demons make it impossible to build true alliances.
I’m currently working on the chapter about Alliance in my book; in the book, I talk about three “influencers,” the voices in our head that are constantly scanning our environment for signals that we might be losing our cool. Our inner influencer helps us avoid rejection, build loyal followers, and leverage those followers for security and safety. We’re constantly looking for the right angle and lighting to maintain our status . In a zero-sum world, where fitting into the group equals safety, that influencer is successful. But in our uncharted world, the influencer prioritizes aura over authenticity and cosmetics over connection.
As luck (and obsessively listening to the soundtrack) would have it, the three Influencers I discuss in the chapter line up with songs from the movie!
(Mild spoilers follow)
Your Idol: Rejection is Worse Than Death
Don't let it show, keep it all inside
The pain and the shame, keep it outta sight
Your obsession feeds our connection
이 순간 give me all your attention
Think back to your middle school self and the boy/girl/person who was the subject of your fascination and attention. Maybe you watched them laugh across the lab table in chemistry class and thought, “I wish I could ask them on a date.”
So why didn’t you? What stopped you from asking?
Of course, a fear of rejection.
But why do we fear rejection so much? As the cliche goes, the worst thing the other person can say is no. You’re not risking physical harm. Getting rejected doesn’t put your future in jeopardy.
We fear rejection because, to our 15,000 year old brain, rejection is as good as death. On the prairie, rejection means being cast out of the tribe and left to fend for yourself. Being a part of the group is survival, being outside the cave is getting eaten by a lion.
This fear of rejection shows up in many different ways—and differently for each of us. Some examples:
Not volunteering for an interesting project at work
Not mingling with other parents at the PTA meeting
Going along with the movie or restaurant suggestion even though you don’t like horror movies / seafood
We create stories to make meaning of our situations, and ascribe truth to those stories regardless of reality. Those stories paper over our underlying fear of rejection. Rather than approaching someone at a cocktail party, we assume we don’t fit in and we’re not cool enough for the room. Rather than taking on a difficult project, teams retreat to doing things as they’ve always done because they can do it well.
Takedown: If You Win, I Lose
It's a takedown, I'ma take you out, you break down like, "What?"
It's a takedown, I'ma take you out and I ain't gonna stop
정신을 놓고 널 짓밟고 칼을 새겨놔
You'll be beggin' and cryin', all of you dyin', never miss my shot
In a chess match, a tennis game, an election, there is a clear winner and a clear loser. There isn’t a winner for who gets to the office first, how quickly you can respond to an email, whose kid scores highest on a standardized test, or who goes on the most date nights. Yet our brains are trained to create these competitions and see situations as having a clear winner and loser.
Thinking back to our tribe days: resources were scarce. Life was zero sum: if someone ate too many blueberries, that’s fewer blueberries for the rest of us. With scarce resources, status becomes everything. Your position in the group, and that proximity to power, is literally the difference between life and death. Positionality is the strongest determinant of decisions made in scarcity.
This scarcity mindset–the idea that your success means my failure–is rampant in the modern workplace. Take this common example:
The traditional pyramid hierarchical structure–with one manager and many direct reports–creates a direct competition for promotions.
The three people with the most seniority see themselves as natural fits for a leadership role.
Every interaction with leadership, every project opportunity, every moment of celebration becomes an unconscious tally: who has the most points in the promotion game?
In this scenario, collaboration between the three becomes impossible: fully focused on their own success metrics, they can’t support one another or think about the good of the broader organization, because that might upset the point tally. Unfortunately, this is often unconscious, masquerading as busyness, commitment, passion, hard work.
In our current world, though, scarcity is an illusion. Organizations succeed not by beating their competition but by expanding the market and creating new products. And while individual opportunities may in fact be zero sum, the breadth of opportunities means that there’s space for everyone.
And most importantly, opportunities are created through collaboration. Working with and through others enables us to reach previous unimagined spaces.
What It Sounds Like: Differences are Scary
Why did I cover up the colors stuck inside my head?
I should've let the jagged edges meet the light instead
Show me what's underneath, I'll find your harmony
The song we couldn't write, this is what it sounds like
In-group bias is a bias towards people who are like me, who are part of the group. In a world where are brains are processing 11 million pieces of data a second, the in-group bias is a necessary shortcut to tell our brain who is “safe” - who is part of our tribe - and who might be dangerous. But safety and danger are radically different today. Are you unsafe if someone has a different perspective from you? What about if they call you racist? In a small, interpersonal context, none of these have the potential to truly affect your well-being, and yet our perception remains the same.
On the prairie, it was easy to tell who was a part of your group and who was from a warring tribe: maybe it’s the clothes you’re wearing, maybe the way you walk. Maybe you just know your whole tribe because it’s that small of a group.
To truly lead from where you sit in today’s world, you can’t write off anyone who doesn’t fit in with you.
Extensive evidence shows that teams who are made up of people with diverse backgrounds and ways of thinking are more innovative and more productive than more homogenous groups.
In a bigger and bigger world, where everyone is connected, you can’t rely on one group to achieve what you want.
To thrive through change, you need the support of everyone
When you are unconsciously assigning people to being in or out of your group, what is actually happening is a subtle form of dehumanization. Only people who I understand have fully fleshed out thoughts and feelings, logical reasons for behavior, wants and needs; others are “bad” or “wrong”. I think of this a lot when driving: when I cut someone off while driving, there’s always a reason for it - I’m late to pick up my kid, I didn’t know which lane to be in, I had a really stressful day. If someone cuts me off, they’re a jerk.
The result of this dehumanization can be catastrophic. If someone isn’t fully human, I can discount their perspective or ideas. I’m not concerned about their well-being, I can ignore their needs and concerns. Dehumanization has led to the worst crimes and atrocities throughout history - but its impact on the smallest scale is also devastating.
Golden: Silencing Your Influencers
Oh, I'm done hidin', now I'm shining
Like I'm born to be
Oh, our time, no fears, no lies
That's who we're born to be
By the end of the movie, the Huntrix realize that rather than hiding secrets from each other and focusing on the external enemy, they’re stronger working together and even collaborating with the demon boy band. The guidance of the past isn’t working; they need untraditional alliances and innovative approaches to truly eradicate Gwi-Ma and the demon world. But the first step is breaking through the voices—or as Rumi says,
Oh-oh, so take my hand, it's open (free, free)
What if we heal what's broken? (Free, free)
I tried to hide, but something broke
I couldn't sing, but you give me hope
We can't fix it if we never face it
Let the past be the past 'til it's weightless
(This blog post was endorsed by my 11 year old and his friends.)